I was involved in Siddha Yoga for over 12 Years When I reflect on what I gained The old  often exploited mantras come to mind OM PUNUMIDUM it was perfect. I was there when Baba died and in that few months before he died I experienced the tangible outpouring of what can only be described as spiritual energy It could be argued that alot of this was my projection, and, maybe as a result of the feeling of being infused with his energy and consequenting higher states of awareness love oneness and peace, I related to Baba differently ,saw him as completely divine. This may be where I went wrong and I concede this imbalanced view is propagated by both the Siddha Yoga Highriachy and the spiritual fervor of those of us in love with the states we were experiencing. I now see Baba as a human being capable of making mistakes, and although I believe we all need to be accountable for our actions, it seems that in reaction to both Baba's and Gurumayi’s human folly it is easy to become equally as blinded to their still existing great spiritual attributes. With so many years of commitment to the process of living in a God conscious state with so many years of sadhana .Can it really be all a money making sham?. I saw how much Gurumayi loved Baba and her love alone was enough to take her into an often enraptured state. Her ability to maintain this state, in the day to day life and politics of siddha yoga, her probable human need for intimacy ,and the [what I consider unfortunate bad judgment or Karma ] resulting relationship with George Afif, which took her though god knows what kind of dilemmas, this does not take away the godself or how at one with it she was or tried to be. How far or how deep her relationship with  George went is anyone’s guess but there is no doubt in my mind that it was there. Even in knowing or suspecting many things, one thing is still clear to me, Gurumayi is committed to the process of sadhana, committed to the spiritual advancement of her devotees and deeply committed to carrying on Baba's work. I'm not wealthy or famous I never got V I P treatment. But over the years I got alot of what can only be described as grace, encouragement and recognition [Via looks nods words touches and in them the receiving of love compassion and a great silent for want of a better word, power which came as a direct result of my efforts in spiritual practice and as a result of my level of absorption onepointedness, love or focus. You could say what I  gained came from, me, not the Guru, there is some truth in this. I remember reading Baba once saying something like "The great miracle of devotion was that the devotees could receive grace from a stone statue" Gurumayi was no stone statue and did actively contribute ,reinforce guide and heal many times over. But my devotion was also paramount in many of my experiences, grace coming as a result of my own opening and giving of myself to a symbol of the divine. Gurumayi I believe found god through Baba, and tries still to let us find god through her. Can we forgive understand accept her as human, a human who has taken on a path  that doesn't  allow her to be  just that, human. I can't deny both what I experienced ,the great spiritual energy, and that, the higher and lower aspects of Siddha yoga are polarized due to what I believe is a denial of the dark side, the human side ,and all the needs and passions and tendencies that in their own perfect way come into play in our lives. If Gurus were allowed to be both godlike and human able to make mistakes maybe they to could learn, and grow ,and develop new ways of solving problems instead of covering them up or denying that they exist; or calling them perfect because they where made by a guru. Maybe they are still learning in the best way they know how. If we become disillusioned, part of it must be because we wanted them to be God like in the first place. Are the spiritual highs as possible? can we immerse ourselves as deeply if our gurus have a dark side? Is faith in anything dependant on it being flawless? If so no wonder we are so caught up on appearances Are the problems within Siddha also within us?, didn't we also help create them? When we can accept our own darkness and light will there be such a problem with everyone else's ? Will Gurus feel they have to protect us from the truth.? I left Siddha Yoga for many reasons but the main one was I wanted to deal with all the issues in my  life and sadhana not just the spiritually acceptable ones. I felt to much was swept under the carpet I was told to surrender to many times to things I felt uncomfortable about. Everything was not always perfect and, if ,in the big picture it is, so is questioning and challenging small and large injustices as they occur. I felt devotees where often misinformed and mislead, and not always respected or valued for the great work they did. I loved Gurumayi and would have done anything for her but I couldn't compromise my own truth. The social norms the guilt the looking good at the expense of common sense and the hearts of the devotees. The misuse of money, the lack of policy to deal with mistakes the denial of mistakes. And it was time. Thank you for this opportunity to express my thoughts.

Aug 1997