Received 22 Apr:

I have been involved with Siddha Yoga for over twenty years and have chosen to review my association because I have recently had a child.  I believe my role as a parent must come before my fears and desires to ignore.  Of course, this is something I am doing for myself, but my child has been an impetus.

I have received great benefit from SY, have come and gone, been 'up front' and in the back.  I have certain questions about SY in general and your 'stories' that I cannot answer and want to ask Gurumayi, but am afraid to.  That is not good.  I have decided that I am afraid because I do not want to rearrange my beliefs.   I will have to of course.  I may continue to chant, even meditate there, but the Guru emphasis is over. It has been really, for quite a while for me.

Realization must be a self-delusional state imagined by people who have attained certain worderful powers, but who remain open to corruption.  I feel anchorless and alone and I fear for a world in which I can't direct my prayers to a form of God, because I'm not sure now that there is 'God'. 

It's really about saying one thing and doing another, isn't it?  "Don't eat sugar dear, it's bad for you!" while I scarf my candybar after work.   Why should any Guru be any different! Christianity, Islam, Buddhism?  Can we trust anything, it is all fraught with controversy and after this long, who knows what really happened!  Tell me why Siddha Yoga should be any different than another.

When you answer me or anyone else who has doubts about your version of the SY 'story', remember that when you show your 'true emotion' 'anger 'on line that you see it for what it is, 'fear of'.  You really turned me off with that.  Are you afraid of not being believed or afraid we will stay in SY and be ruined?  Whichever it is, you nearly sent me away.

Still searching for the truth.




I commend your willingness to examine your relationship to SY for the sake of your child and for yourself. I appreciate your honesty with yourself. I know how difficult (and how freeing) it can be.

Your fear to confront Child with your concerns is the very warning sign that makes SY so dangerous. There is no open avenue for dealing with these issues (except for the damage control people that SY has sent around to the ashrams and centers and for the training they give teachers etc to handle the difficult questions) that encourages a willingness to go into a place of "not knowing" as you have done. Most people need to have everything all tied up nice and neat not only for themselves but for everyone else. I believe that being with the "not knowing" is much more difficult and also much more honest. After 20 years of "knowing" perhaps some time of "not" will be needed to balance things out. If there is any one thing I recommend, is to take your time.

SY was different than the other religions AND it was exactly the same! It was different because in our minds, we made it so. We were special because we were different from others (I'm not talking about Vedanta or Shaivism here but rather peoples true personalities). Because we were different and had a special line to the SIDDHA (did you know there are other paths that claim to be shaktipat and siddha oriented?) we felt above the pain in the world and the pain in ourselves. It was that specialness that kept us coming back, in a world where people are dying of famines, disease and war, it gave us a much needed comfort. Is there something wrong with that? Only when, it becomes controlling, abusive and based on lies.

Since leaving SY, I have allowed myself to feel ALL my feelings. This includes anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, love, joy etc. When I get angry, I express that. When I feel sadness, I express that. When in SY we were taught to transcend our feelings. Do a little japa to get you through that difficult moment. Rather, I believe we need to feel the feeling, express it and move on. Am I angry when people defend the lies and abuse of SY? YES! Do I feel sadness when I read of a persons mistreatment in SY? YES! There are predictable feelings when one confronts a disappointment or loss in one's life. Losing the belief that we had in SY is a loss and needs to be supported in all it's forms.

I am glad that you have taken the steps you have and welcome you here.